To shine or to endure? That is the question

To shine or to endure? That is the question. We women, used to being in the world to care, to please, to be seen, find it hard to fight to move forward without limits or conditions. There are so many obstacles along the way that we often simply give up on our wish to reach the top professionally and settle for being the best at everything else. Superwoman syndrome takes hold of us and turns us into a trap for ourselves.

Recently we have seen a movement that has rescued from oblivion countless women in different fields of knowledge, who have always existed. Beyond Marie Curie, we have been able to see that, just as there were men, there were also women (many of them) who left their legacy of culture, science and knowledge to humanity. So why are we still so unsure that we can shine?  

Feminism, and its fourth wave, has brought to light many women who contributed to culture and knowledge in the past just as men did. One of the reasons has been to rebalance the scales which, in textbooks and in popular knowledge alike, tip towards men. However, and beyond this commendable effort, we still see the reality of most women who feel dizzy or afraid at the idea of shining. As if being the first were something to apologise for, or a matter of misplaced modesty. For women, "shining" means, above all, facing their fears and the learned idea that we are caring, empathetic and emotional, so these qualities are valued above professional goals, objectives or ambition. Words like ambition are culturally associated with men, presenting it as a virtue in them and a "little flaw" in us. 

However, we are very likely to hear many women who want to go far professionally, and this translates into excessive self-demand that leads them to permanent, constant stress. For a woman, being a professional clashes with the role society has given us, which has to do with a misunderstood biological and cultural function. Caring, being a mother, partner, daughter, sister and professional is a cocktail that often leads to a constant race to be perfect at everything. 

Apart from the need to correct the social environment that leads us to this situation, we need to start analysing why we women are almost always afraid of making decisions when they mean stepping forward and no longer thinking about others but only about ourselves. The self-image we develop is generally more geared towards the personal and emotional than towards the professional, without entirely giving up the latter, since we are aware of what it has cost to get this far. And it is this situation that leads us to a self-demand that does not always match achieving total success. 

This summer I watched a girl of just fifteen cry bitterly because she had not got the top mark in her English exam, even though her mark was far above most young people her age. I also remember, years ago at the school where I worked as a guidance counsellor, a couple of five-year-old girls who burst into tears as soon as they saw the intelligence test I put on their desks. When I asked them why they were crying, they said they wouldn't know how to do it and would fail. 

Recent research shows that 6-year-old girls express insecurity compared with their male classmates, explicitly saying that boys are more intelligent and better suited to scientific knowledge than they are (Bian, L. et al., 2017). This study shows how social stereotypes take root very early in girls' minds, but also in boys'. And if this happens at that age, what won't happen when they are women or young people struggling to find a place in the world that matches their motivations? 

In all honesty, we must also say that more and more women are reaching the same level as men in different areas, such as sport. Yet we also see situations like that of Serena Williams, the American tennis world number one who dropped to 491st in the rankings after becoming a mother. Losing the number one spot or the top positions can be a more serious problem than it seems when scholarships or sponsorships are involved. That was the case of windsurfer Blanca Manchón: a few days before her son was born, the sponsors who had supported her until then decided not to renew her contract. Her case is exceptional and extremely evocative, since she carried on without support until she shone again. However, this is not the usual situation, and getting there takes a great deal of motivation and self-demand. Many contracts for elite sportswomen include pregnancy clauses. 

The question of motherhood is key to how we women see ourselves at work, whatever that work may be. And the question I raise here is: are only women parents? Aren't men parents too? Why should there be clauses for women and not for men? Better still, why are there clauses at all? Conceiving and raising a child should be a cooperative act and, perhaps, why not, a collective one. But in the current model, it isn't. 

A woman's career is always interfered with by social and cultural issues that make her have to show more effort, more tenacity, more strength. Sometimes this is so much that it ends in dropping out or giving up. Moreover, in many cases, this giving up is not properly recognised either, since it is we women ourselves who justify our decision by saying that being a mother, daughter, partner, woman was the best decision... Year after year, century after century, all this has led us women to see ourselves as second-rate in the professional sphere, to suffer from "Superwoman" syndrome or, quite simply, to be afraid to shine. 

 

How can we learn to shine?  

Eradicating centuries of tradition and socialisation is practically impossible, but there is something we must do, and it has to do with ourselves.

  • Develop a healthy self-image, learn from mistakes and see them as opportunities for growth. 
  • Change our language and start sentences with "I want to be, I want to do, I feel..." instead of "I have to be, I have to do, I have to feel". 
  • Communicate assertively, expressing at all times who I am, what I want, what I feel, what I think and what I need in order to be myself and to be happy. 
  • Look at and care for ourselves even before looking at and caring for others. 
  • Base our happiness on what we want to be and what we like, not on praise from outside. 
  • Look for female role models: there are many of them. 

In short, develop healthy self-esteem that means loving ourselves above everything and everyone, and making decisions based only on our inner voice. 

 

Gema de Pablo 

Fundación Siglo22